BENT: A dungeon event for kinky youth

BENT was a vibrant and vivacious youth event hosted by Shay & Stefanos, then Shay & Jade, and held every other month at the SF Citadel. The last BENT was in February 2020; the SF Citadel closed during the COVID pandemic and has not re-opened. This event had a loyal following among young San Franciscans and attracted many unique attendees who found the energy and lusty appeal of BENT set it apart from other dungeon events. BENT was SF Citadel’s longest-running and largest dungeon event, routinely drawing 300 - 500 of the city’s sexiest perverts to play and socialize.

BENT events featured funny, tongue-in-cheek, and sexy performances in connection to the event’s theme.

Every BENT has a theme, and costumes are not required but are encouraged! Check the FetLife BENT group or the calendar at SFCitadel.org for specific event details and costume suggestions. If you don’t wish to costume, basic black, fetish, leather, lace, lingerie, or anything sexy/dressy will do! We have a “no effort = no entry” policy, so if you haven’t thought about your attire, you may be turned away at the door.

For this event, “youth” was defined as 18, 19, 20’s and 30’s.

Age policy and consent culture at BENT

BENT was San Francisco’s largest regularly held kink event, routinely drawing over 300 fantastic kinksters. BENT also welcomed a fair number of “newcomers” and is happy to be a “gateway” into kink for many. We offer these guidelines to help you understand the event and how we (as the party hosts) run and manage it, to help you determine whether it is a good fit for you.

Age Policy

BENT is an event that is for “kinky youth.” We define that as “18, 19, 20’s & 30’s.” The age range for BENT is like the pirate code – it’s more guidelines than actual rules. We don’t routinely card people at the door and turn them away if they had their 40th birthday yesterday. It’s about maintaining the event's energy and helping the youngest attendees feel safe among their peers. So, generally speaking, youthful people in their 40s who come with partners who do fit in our age range are welcome. Please respect the “specialty” nature of the event and consider if it is a good fit for you. To preserve the event's energy, we reserve the right to screen at the door for age and knowledge about the event/venue.

Consent Culture

Regardless of age, violations of the consent culture we work to create, which include an attendee making others at the event uncomfortable (being “creepy”), will not be tolerated. We are dedicated to providing an environment of enthusiastic consent, free from harassment. Violations include inappropriate & unwanted comments, infringing on personal space, touching (person or property) without explicit permission, etc. We now offer a dungeon orientation before the event, a “charter” at the door to go over the rules, and multiple posters around the space that succinctly review elements of dungeon etiquette… so ignorance is no excuse. If you’ve never been to a dungeon before, attend our orientation, check out this free video on Kink Academy, and read about dungeon etiquette and rules before you come – this is a good starting place.

How to report a problem

If you are being harassed, have your consent violated, or even see an attendee making others uncomfortable, please report this to the event hosts as soon as possible. The hosts of BENT are Shay & Jade – we can generally be easily found circulating the event. You may also ask the DM (wearing an orange vest), the cashier to radio us, or one of the House Managers. After an event, we can be contacted on Fetlife or via e-mail at bent.SF AT gmail.

What happens after a report is made?

If a consent violation is witnessed or reported to us, the following steps are entirely at our judgment and discretion. We take reports very seriously and, as a general philosophy, are inclined to believe (and never blame) the person making a report. Action taken regarding the person being reported may vary from having a friendly educational chat to them being banned from the Citadel. This will vary based on the nature of the reported incident, the wishes of the person making the report, and the response of the person who is reported when we discuss it with them. If you do not feel comfortable leaving the handling of such issues to our discretion, DO NOT COME TO OUR EVENT. By coming to BENT, you agree to this handling of reported incidents.

For a great discussion on “being creepy” that may also help you understand this policy, please see this article by Holly Pervocracy and Dr. Nerd Love on why “socially awkward” is no excuse. You might also try this excellent article on approaching a woman you don’t know without getting maced.

“Age discrimination”

We’ll not be drawn into a debate about “age discrimination” regarding this event. We’ve been hosting this event since 2005 (at the end of 2015, when BENT had been running for ten years, Stefanos stepped down as a host, and Jade came on board as a co-host with Shay), and the debate has been had many times. Younger folks in the kink community (and the world at large) face unique challenges, and BENT is intended as a peer environment that folks can “opt into” if it is a fit for them.

The SF Citadel has many specialty events (men’s events and women & trans people events, for example) and also many open events. There have also been specialty events for folks over 40 years old!

For an excellent and exhaustive discussion of age-related event organization, please read this post by Race Bannon on inclusiveness in BDSM and this post by Pepper Mint on age-specific organization (it is explicitly written regarding polyamory communities, but is very relevant to kink communities as well). Here are a few quotes from Pepper’s writing:

“…older people tend to have certain kinds of social power when compared with younger people, in addition to any other power dynamics that might be at play (race, class, gender, etc.)…the older-against-younger ageist power sneaks into the socializing in various subtle ways…This [specific] effect pretty much disappears when younger people are socializing primarily or entirely with other younger people…This should be no surprise to people familiar with activism resisting power dynamics in the culture. It is typical that the group with less power…hold[s] events that exclude people from the group with more power.”

“Younger people…[may] refuse to share sexualized space with older people, due to an entirely understandable defensiveness brought on by the culture’s fetishization of them.”

“The BDSM community took a while to get used to the existence of TNG groups and events. Initially, there was a lot of bitterness, accusations of exclusivity and ageism, and what have you. Over time the flames died down. These days the larger community generally recognizes the utility of TNG organizing, though resentment still flares up from time to time…Age-limited groups prevent the various problematic power dynamics I have described. They give younger poly people a landing place to meet other poly people in a similar life stage. In the BDSM community, we have seen these groups function in various ways, and we can expect the same in the poly community. In some cases, they serve as a springboard into the larger community. Still, in other cases, they allow a group of people to meet folks from their generation and form a network of enduring connections. Also, these groups make it easier to discuss poly and find support in one’s age cohort.”

Thanks, and see you at BENT!

Shay & Jade

Photo by Sundin Photography