Tying with Ties
This “handout” accompanies our Tying with Ties class and is not intended as stand-alone content
Terminology
In this class and handout, we use “PIR” (person in rope) to refer to the person being restrained and “tier” to refer to the person doing the restraining.
This doesn’t imply a power exchange dynamic – your bondage top/tier could be your submissive, you can be a Dom, restrained, etc. Often bondage may not involve a power dynamic at all…or you might be self-tying and taking on both roles simultaneously!
Bondage safety
There are risks to everything we do – you could get hit by a car walking across the street to go on your kinky date. Risk awareness and mitigation are essential because some types of restraint are more like strolling down the crosswalk on a sunny day after looking both ways. Some are like running across a busy highway on a rainy night wearing all black. Knowing the risks and taking reasonable steps to mitigate them is crucial.
See this page for lots more info!
Never leave someone alone in restraints! You may want to create the illusion that they are alone, but someone should constantly directly monitor them.
Restrained + alone is the number one cause of BDSM-related death.
If you are self-tying, have a “spotter” (person available to help if needed)
Fainting is a relatively common restraint mishap. Risk is increased when someone is restrained in a vertical position, has their knees locked, or makes a sudden position change.
Don’t get tied up (or tie someone up!) when under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Risks: Reduced Circulation
Signs of decreased circulation include temperature or color change & numbness.
This generally occurs slowly.
In isolation, circulation can be decreased for quite a while before tissue damage begins. That said, cutting off circulation does not tend to increase sexy bondage fun times (and can complicate the detection of nerve damage), so it’s better to avoid it.
Risks: Nerve Damage
Nerve damage is more of a concern for bondage than decreased circulation.
Danger signs for nerve damage include pain (sharp/shooting), weakness, tightness, stress, tingling, and numbness.
These generally occur QUICKLY, sometimes instantly, and should be acted on immediately to prevent or minimize long-term damage.
See this article for details on six factors that contribute to nerve injuries.
Nerve damage can occur without any warning/symptoms, even with an experienced tier who does “everything right.”
As a general rule, the more force and the longer the time, the greater the damage. “Mechanisms of nerve injury include direct pressure, repetitive microtrauma, and stretch- or compression-induced ischemia. The degree of injury is related to the severity and extent (time) of compression.” – Understanding the biology of compressive neuropathies.
Safety supplies: paramedic shears
Having safety sheers within reach is especially important when tying with unconventional materials.
These are readily available online or at your local drugstore.
These have a blunt side used under the restraints (against the skin) that helps prevent cutting/poking.
Try yours out on the ties that you’re planning to use! They can have difficulty getting through many materials, especially if they aren’t high quality.
Negotiation for restraint
Ask about/consider underlying medical conditions that affect bondage (joint injuries, seizures, asthma, breast implants, diabetes, nerve injury/damage, etc.). This should include asking about conditions that might increase the risk of nerve damage (such as a history of nerve injury).
Asking, “do you have any medical problems” will mainly result in a knee-jerk “no.” Better questions: “tell me about your health” & “what medications do you take?
If self-tying, discuss the level of desired interaction with your spotter and warning signs to watch for
Discuss the possibility of marks.
Scene negotiation
Negotiation is about finding out limits and finding out turn-ons and sweet spots! This page includes lots of detail on communication for bondage.
Both PIR & tiers should ask questions as part of this process.
Some good questions to start with are:
What is your experience level with restraints/bondage?
What are the places you don’t want me to touch you?
What type of bondage scene were you thinking of?
What do you enjoy about bondage/restraints?
If you’re self-tying, you still want to consider many of these questions yourself!
Safewords
Safewords are not just to keep you safe – they can also enhance your play. It is critical to know whether your partner will use safeword if needed and to empower your partner to use their safeword. “Mercy” works well as a safeword, or the traditional “yellow,” “red,” and “safeword” – clarify exact meanings, as they vary from person to person.
People often have an easier time using a non-verbal safeword
A non-verbal check-in that can work well is for the tier to put their fingers in the PIR’s hand and the PIR to squeeze the tier’s hand as a “green.” This also allows a very rudimentary nerve damage assessment (inability to grip can be a sign of nerve damage and should prompt you to untie the limb immediately).
Creating bondage with unconventional materials like ties
Advantages of “found item” bondage vs. rope
Less intimidating
Keeping it on a budget
It can be creative fun!
Variations
Limb-to-limb bondage
Tying off to furniture
Picking materials from what you have around you
Ideal materials are flexible, soft, and pliable.
Materials that are too stretchy have more potential for trouble – when they are tight enough that the PIR can’t just easily stretch them and get out, they are often a tourniquet on the limb.
More contact with the skin generally decreases your potential for problems – it spreads the load over a larger area.
Any material with hard edges/pieces (necklaces, belt buckles/edges, etc.) can cause focused pressure on a single spot – this will both be painful and have an increased risk of problems like nerve damage.
Neckties or scarves
What is a column? Think wrists, ankles, upper arms, thighs, abdomens, bed posts…
Necks and cocks are NOT good choices as columns.
As a single-column tie
As a double-column tie
WRAP – CROSS – DROP – KNOT (this also works with scarves, shirts, pillowcases, necklaces, etc. – gather them into a single piece and follow the same procedure)
If your material is longer, wrap around more than once before the “cross” step, or do multiple cross & drops to keep the columns further apart but keep them secure.
Setting and maintaining a mood, execution in context
Unless you want to ruin (or at least change) the mood…
Use the bathroom before you start
Have your toys of choice near you
Consider what type of bondage scene you want to create together (or alone) – a romantic scene that focuses on the sensations of rope against the skin is quite different from playful catch-and-release tickle bondage! If you enter the scene expecting a sexy vibe and your partner wants to practice a new restraint position, you set yourself up for disappointment.
Consider the individual "why" of bondage. Are you a rope slut who loves the feel of hemp against your skin? A sadist who gets off on having a "helpless" victim? A more cerebral type who likes to work out new and different restrictive ties platonically? A submissive who wants to feel like a bondage trophy? None of this is mutually exclusive and can vary from scene to scene – think about your motivations to do bondage and communicate this to your partner!
Consider blindfolds for the PIR. If the PIR can’t see, their fantasies can help the moment.
Decoration bondage vs. more “psychological” bondage vs. a truly struggling PIR
As a PIR – unless escaping is part of the scene, consider struggling with your “lizard brain,” not your super-rational “I know I can figure out a way to get out of this” brain.
Cultivate an attitude of assumed helplessness.
We don’t recommend gags for new or new-to-each-other players. Don’t gag – communicate!
Consider whether the bondage is a means to an end (“I want to be unable to stop you when you do all these horrible things to me!”) vs. an end in itself (“I want to be bound and left to float”)
Go slow (especially with new partners), check in often, and pay attention to emotional reactions.
The main predictor of a bad bondage outcome is the PIR’s subjective experience in the bondage. Tiers generally can’t see things like nerve damage happening! COMMUNICATE and check in often.
Empower your partner to say something if they need the bondage modified.
Positioning for bondage
Always consider what would happen if the PIR fell or fainted – what would they hit? Where would the restraints (and their limbs) end up if they sagged in the bondage?
If the answer to the question of what would happen if they fainted is “well, they would probably be seriously injured or die,” adjust your restraints.
Hogties are dangerous – there is a risk of positional asphyxia (impaired breathing) and also the potential for damage to the wrists or ankles.
There’s a danger of a faint or fall as the PIR is released from a standing position (or standing after laying down for an extended time).
It can be helpful for tiers to talk their PIR through the process of untying the ropes (“it’s not attached anymore, don’t put weight on it”) and support the PIR as they’re released. Once they are fully released, sit or lay the PIR down, if possible. PIR, feel free to request this!
Tying the limbs so they have no movement at all is very difficult. Leaving some “wiggle room” will result in safer and more sustainable bondage.
Private bondage
The inherent risks of bondage are more significant in private vs. in a public dungeon or play space, with safety monitors and others available to help if something goes wrong.
Consider the health of the tier, especially if the PIR is going to be tied “inescapably,” and especially if the location is isolated.
Check references (on both sides) – especially others they have tied with
Consider not getting tied up in private on a first date, and negotiate carefully (safewords, etc.).
Aftercare
After restraints are released, move bound extremities slowly.
Body parts that have been bound for a while may have lost a bit of muscle tone, and strong or sudden movements can cause sprains. Well-meaning tiers often try to move a part of the PIR’s body for them; this can cause injury and generally is not advisable.
Negotiate for specific aftercare needs before starting a scene.
Sometimes aftercare needs vary or are unpredictable.
Aftercare is for everyone!
Common aftercare needs for tiers include needing validation (“you did great!” “I still love you,” “I don’t think you’re a bad person, even though you just did “bad” things to me”), reassurance that the PIR is physically and mentally OK, food and water, physical comforts like cuddling, or orgasms!
Common aftercare needs for PIR include getting physically warm (blankets, cuddles, and maybe stuffed animals are classic), having something to drink (many PIR swear by coconut water, sports drinks may also be a good choice), comfort, reassurance, and validation (“you did great!” “you looked sexy in that tie!” “You were super responsive and fun to tie up”), or… orgasms!
You’ll notice a lot of overlap there…and all of this can apply to self-tiers!
Remember that restraint marks are compressed tissue; compressing them more (by rubbing them) will not be helpful. Enjoy your marks!
